My Search for Meaning

I put the ice cream in the fridge last night. This morning when I went to get the milk for breakfast, I saw it there....a whole yummy carton of plain vanilla ice cream reduced to a large puddle of just cream with no ice to be found. What a heart break.

Much like the ice cream, I'm feeling a little on the "blah" side. I realize that "this too, shall pass", but for the time being life is kinda gettin' me down. Think of how the cream must feel when it thinks about times past...it's days of glory in the freezer. Isn't it interesting how a small change in circumstance can have such a dramatic affect? I too find myself thinking lately of times past and MY days of glory. Since I came into being, or very soon thereafter, I've had a very strong inborn desire to be productive and have a life of meaning and purpose. Viktor Frankl in his book, "Man's Search for Meaning" suggests that this is true for all people. Everyone desires to have a task or purpose in life that only they can fulfill. Since we've moved here to Texas, I've been on that search. What is it that I'm really meant to do, and what is it that I am really supposed to be?

Often times in my desire to achieve, succeed and feel productive, I can be little hasty. I hate floundering. For instance, during my freshman year in college, I was completely uncomfortable with saying that I was "undeclared", so I quickly chose a major...Civil Engineering. Those of you who knew me prior to that time were probably surprised by my decision. When I got home from my mission, I could hardly sit still. I had to DO something. So after a week of being home, I moved to Heber City and got a job there. And how about when I decided to get a Master's in Civil Engineering!!! Yeah, I know, a little hasty. Lots of good and lots of not so good things have come from these choices. I don't know that any of them really helped me to achieve my real purpose in life...but then again maybe they did...it's hard to say.

The moral of the story is that after nearly 26 years of hastily trying to achieve my purpose on earth, I don't know that I really have ever felt completely fulfilled in my life or am any closer to finding my purpose than I was many many years ago. I realize that one of my major purposes in life is to be a wife and mother, and I am achieving those things but that's not really a full-time job for me right now. The days are very very long when you are waiting all day for your husband to come home from work. I try to read good books including text books, do geneology, meet my neighbors, etc etc all of which are good things, but I still feel so empty. It's gotten to the point that I've actually resorted to applying at hole in the wall temp agencies to at least kill the boredom of the day. I've also thought that maybe I need to do more with my talents and write/illustrate children's books. Maybe I'll really like that, but I don't really feel an intense desire leading me in any direction. I'm floundering, and I hate that feeling more than anything. My most intense desire right now is to go back to Utah and sit on top of a mountian. But I'd have to come down someday.